Lines

I am barely keeping myself together. I am barely sane. I don’t even know where to start but figured out let’s just write. Prior to opening this, I have thought to myself I am barely keeping it up I don’t think I could write anything. I don’t think I would have the time to be sane waiting for this space as it opened. I am a mess.

The past few weeks I have been trying to write about me saving me from myself but the past few days.. the lines have never felt any clearer. My soul is afloat two different identities. How do I combine my emotional and spiritual state with who I am towards the people around me?

I have only been catching myself from gaslighting me, and I can’t even count the number of times I have saved myself from me. I am insane. I can’t even remember them anymore, but those times I’ve stopped myself is very very clear. But when do I know it’s the truth? When do I know if it’s really my fault?

I have always been aware of how identity crisis can tear people but I have always thought it would never happen to me, considering I have been aware about it for years, but I have never ever ever felt so low about myself until tonight. I have never felt so confused. I believed just ten minutes ago I really needed help. I was so so so lost I felt not sane.

Therapy shall be good but I believe I am not just for it. That’s beyond me. Too much. I don’t need help. Oh I am well aware of what triggered me.

All this time, we thought we were weak, but we weren’t weak, we just didn’t try to be strong. And I am so so afraid I am at this point, but I can’t tell and that.. drives me crazy. To me who have always wanted comfort over change, to me who have always wanted to be treated a special case, to me who have always wanted to find a reason.. an excuse.. It’s my fault. It’s my fault. But I don’t know what to do. I really don’t.

Oh a few hours later, if none of this made sense, it was because this was my raw state.